giGalAgaBUgabi

One of Those Nights, One of Those Things

2011-04-06T12:26:00.000+08:00

I spent time, precious ones I must add, thinking.

Mulling over the sequence of events. Attempting to discern the emotions felt. Trying to figure the significance, if any.

The more I mulled and the more I tried, I found myself getting increasingly confounded.

It then began to dawn upon me how limited I am as a person. Limited in my emotional vocabulary. Limited in life experiences. Limited in perspectives. And most importantly limited by myself and how inept I can be.

For what it was, there is no hate. Instead I dare say there was great sport in its making. What was shared wasn't anything superficial. What was, was the person we were; what we could see was only skin deep. We were too conceited and too full of our being. We are as enriched and powerful as our experiences and lessons make us out to be. We forgot that significance is only worth as much as we attribute value to.

Cliche as it sounds, time can heal all wounds. I believe it possible, but only for those who believe that it can.

I don't hate you. There never was any. You did what you did because you wanted the best for yourself. Because you were selfish. I made that decision because I wanted to try being selfless; because you were worth it. But being selfless is tough and I am just another tinge of insignificance in this grand schema.

Selflessness is something that I can only try to emulate. But I am not it personified. The emotional struggles were tough. Having my closest friend losing sleep and fighting hard to stay awake because of my emotional struggles just wasn't right. He could selflessly do that for me. That which he did was born out of my selfless act for you. It was fundamentally not right. That I belabor those that adore me and shed benevolence to you who would have me anywhere but the highest regard.

This was why I chose to be selfish. This was why I chose to deny you of my friendship and companionship. This was why I chose to relegate you to the depths of my memories, where you stay bittersweet and beautiful; ever perfect.

This way I can to a great degree learn to stand on my own two feet again. This way I can resume being who I was; a beam of support for those around me, offering my best to who who really need and want it.

This way my best friend need not selflessly suffer for my selfish selflessness for you.

Nonetheless you taught me what it meant to love. No it wasn't infatuation. If only it was that simple. Then you would have been just another person. But no this wasn't the case.

When you were around me, you made this big and tall six footer feel like he was walking on trembling ground. A smile or a giggle sets butterflies flitting in his stomach. The merest touch made his heart race, as though the ribs could no longer cage that thumping beast. It was sheer raw attraction that I felt. The more I saw you, the stronger it grew.

Then we started to spend more time together. I lapped up every one of those chances like a hungry and eager dog would. Every time I am with you, the only thing in my head was nothing but desire. Desire for you to be mine. My body ached as I exercised restrain. And then I was judged for being respectful because I loved.

Loving someone isn't that easy. Nor is getting someone's love. But you taught me what it meant to really want to give love a chance. It was intense. It was irrational. It made a rational man want to do the craziest things.

Which is also why this selfish person tried to selflessly let you go. Loving someone sometimes requires you to let them go; to what they truly love or to their next phase of life.

It has been a good while since all these happened. Maybe not so long but nonetheless still long, especially in this accelerated life of ours. All that's passed is past. There is nothing negative, except maybe memories that can only be sweet.

You'll probably never read this because you're not a friend. But this is not for you.

There is nothing more between us and I've long set you behind. Just that sometimes the secret writer in me can't help but think of those days and times when I was younger and idealistic. And as I take a stroll down memory lane, i thought of you and decided that I want to put to words what I was incapable of saying then. Episodes like these are what makes life worth living.

A tinge of everything, a fresh perspective. This is when I say I lived.

Live On. Live Strong.

A poem

2010-11-02T14:14:00.003+08:00

Silence is beautiful

For it is quiet;

As with deafening.

Silence is solace

For it is calming;

As with panic.

Silence is golden

Says the librarian;

As with cents and sense.

Silence can be

Depending on what is;

As with all perspectives.

Silence exists at once

As desired and feared

Welcomed and shunned.

Silence

A single subject

A plurality of takes

Such is the world

As with Silence

True as night and day.

So why not embrace

This occurrence

And live for the day?

Fissures

2010-09-08T20:58:00.003+08:00

Every human will, at some point of time, hold something or someone sacred and close to themselves. This precious thing or person may not be necessarily be something that you possess. More often than not, it is something that we either go through a lot of pains to acquire or it is something beyond our reach.

The difficulty and the deprivation makes it valuable. That which is unattainable is Holy.

So what I'm truly driving at is this. It is possible to go through this inexplicable feeling of ache just because of something or someone. It never occurred to me that this was possible but it was. It is involuntary and it is perplexing. The mere sight, the inaction, all these can be causes and they all hurt.

Maybe this time the fall was too hard. Maybe this time things weren't said clearly. Whichever the case, this shouldn't be how things end, nor should it be how it should be left.

But somethings are just so hard to deal with isn't it?

On apologies

2010-01-22T13:30:00.002+08:00

"I am sorry"

It is true that many a times, all it takes is just an apology in order for everything to turn out fine. Three simple words is all it takes and a world of difference it would make. People would feel better, wounds can heal and everybody moves on in their lives.

But what happens when you are getting increasingly sick of hearing those same words from the same person speaking with the same emotions. Yes, I am saying that one can feel sick and be sick. How does one end up like that? When clearly the same person is making similar "mistakes" or intruding upon you time and again when the person shouldn't be.

And so, whenever the person makes these "mistakes" or intrude upon or trouble you, he or she will apologize time and time again. This is when an apology starts to lose its meaning.

An apology is meant to be sincere and it is born out of regret and sincerity. But what happens here is that there is repeated moments of regret and sincerity when these people apologize time and time again as they repeatedly make you feel upset. Here lies the irony; if they were regretful and sincere about their apologies, why should there be repeated incidences of such apologies? Shouldn't things be kept ot a minimal?

This then leads us to the next question, what exactly is the person thinking? What sort of motivations does that person have? I don't know and I don't dare to answer these questions.

You make me feel like I'm a convenient cover for things. You make me feel like I'm a safety net for you to fall back on. You make me feel miserable during moments like this. I ask not for fairness but for a little bit of conscience and consideration, for my sanity and your sanctuary. I need my distance and space, to build my own life and to heal my own soul. Give us a break.

"Let this be my last answer to your whims; my last gift to you. Goodbye." (Xavier Tong PINK/BLUE/OTHERS, 2009)

Week 1

2010-01-08T21:10:00.002+08:00

One week in 2010 and it has already been a long week. Anything and everything that could go wrong went wrong. A week dedicated to rest and recreation turned out horrendous.

Ever felt like you had this great plan in place and you were going to make it happen and life feels like it is going on with purpose; all within expectation? Then unexpected events happen to foil everything. Well, this happened and you wonder why things happen like that and why must it fall to you to make sacrifices to save the skins of others. You feel angered and frustrated that people can be so socially irresponsible and shirk from their duties. Then you realize that you're probably the only with enough ability to do it and you do it because people counted on it. Painful. Takes a lot out of you. Would you understand?

On another note, you know you have undergone loss when you find yourself crying inexplicably. You find yourself clawing at whatever bits and fragments of attention and care showered upon you, like a baby trying to grab hold of the world with its small small hands. You know it is loss when everything around you, regardless of where you go triggers memory after memory. It doesn't help that these memories are more often than not the sweet savoury ones that you'd like to immortalize. In remembering the good old times, you think of the current reality and pain sets it. Loss is being and feeling helpless. You can't help but remember things when you're in the bathroom and you see song lyrics plastered on the wall. You can't help but remember when every single song that you have in your favourite playlist reminds you of certain things about the person that you just lost. The mind is a very powerful weapon of self manipulation and mutilation. It leads your heart into forbidden territories which does more harm than good. It can shatter the very foundations of your very being. Have you ever felt like that?

But in times of lost, the strength and depth of relationships and friendships are tested. I was fortunate to have friends and family. One sacrificed sleep to make sure I was okay before he left for a workshop and pit his will and faith against his fatigue. Another two made there way over to keep me company just because I did not want to be alone, not today. The person who touched me the most was my sister. When she called me, I just broke down, all defenses and facades. She was fiercely loyal and protective of me. It felt good to know my elder sister has a side like that. In times of loss, this makes one feel comforted and loved. Do you know what it feels like to be so vulnerable and to fall back on so many things?

It has just been one week and I feel like I've been tested so much. Faith and Will, would you take me there? To the distant place I've never been before?

On 365, Gone and Coming

2009-12-31T12:55:00.005+08:00

Someone asked me on Christmas Day, "How's the year been for you? What happened to your resolutions?"

I answered, "I only had one and I'm glad I haven't been a disappointment."

This is something that I'd say confidently and with pride. I have managed in all sense to do well. Maybe some might think it's not good enough but for me, I am contented. I balanced school work with social commitments and even staying away from home.

I did well academically.
I stayed healthy.
I made new friends and kept old ones.
I might be busy but I have putting in effort for all I participate in.

Having done all these, I'd want to say I did my parents and sister proud. I made sure they did not worry for this big bloke. I know I'm on my way to fully convince them that I am capable of taking care myself and of being independent. It has been a good year.

Highlights of the year

I think I managed to get good number of things done and even got to experience a whole new lot of things. I acted in the Arts House and the Esplanade Theater Studios. At last in a long long time, my academics was not a reason for worry to my family. Over the last year, I experienced how loving a sister I possess. She dotes and splurges on me and I like it, even if she buys me pink shirts and broad shorts. I'm thankful for 2009, for all the ups and downs. I grew and became a better person in ways that I thought I needed improvement.

For the new year

There's so much that I'd want to achieve but there is only so much time. So I've decided that I want the following for the coming year.
1. I don't want to disappoint
2. I want to become even more mature and stable
3. I want to continue making a difference in all I do
4 I want to bring heartfelt smiles to the faces of those close to me
5. I want to stretch myself a bit more again.

Thinking you are capable enough is one thing. Finding out for yourself to see if you are is another. Right now, I want to feel the wind beneath my wings. I want to try to touch the blue blue sky and fluffy cotton clouds.

So here's a toast to 2009 going and 2010 coming.

Clang

On Gifts

2009-12-29T04:45:00.002+08:00

In retrospect, Christmas is an interesting period of the year. The surge in consumerism, the desperate attempt by marketing comms and advertisers to associate spending with joy. For the undiscerning, spending the dollar to acquire a gift is in itself enough. But they fail to realize that the acquisition of a a gift is different from the acquisition of the gift. Very subtle, but very few even bother.

So the ideal situation is when one receives a gift that both possess monetary value and is in itself a gift that is valuable for the thought that went into it. Having said this, most people who are concerned with the thought would not even be bothered by the value because their eyes are fixated upon the sentimentality and sincerity that accompanies the expensive or inexpensive gift.

This year for Christmas, my best friend bought me a CD and a book while I wrote a letter and compiled a CD of songs associated with memories shared. The differential is obvious. I probably spent less than a dollar for his gift and he probably spent about 50. But the thing is, we're both happy with our gift because it all meant something for us. He bought me a jazz CD knowing I've been in a jazzy mood of late and Mitch Albom's latest book knowing how a emotional basket case I can be. The important thing here is that we both appreciate the gifts we received simply because we know the intentions behind each gift. However, within this example, look at how the joyous act of giving and sharing is being warped by the consumerist ideals. Things could have been easily misinterpreted if we both had started off with incongruent motivations. I am thankful I really do have a friend in that best friend.

On another note, everything that I gave this Christmas is true and real. Despite the rationality and control that I had tried to exert, I succumbed after a barrage of shells pelted my stark nakedness. I really don't regret it at all and I'm thankful I now have enough character to see me through. Through this, there is no loss and only gain. Even if the rationality and control I yielded earlier are going to come and haunt me, faith and character will see me through.

There is no for good or for worse. There is only a life that will go wondering by. I have and will only gain and gain.

Goodnight and sleep tight.

EmiT

2009-12-23T16:47:00.002+08:00

Time travels in the blink of an eye. Some might say it is even faster than that. Regardless, the main takeaway is how time come and gone become memories and how we savour these emotions, lessons and visuals on hindsight, in solitude, sometimes in tears and others in lingering sweetness.

Resolutions, promises, expectations.

New friends, new jobs, new stresses.

A year has come and gone. Whether it is a good one is debatable. I'm glad I handled the new-found stresses with spectacular form. All expectations were pacified and I would have been able to do what I have wanted. On top of that, I did juggle staying away and being so occupied well. Thank you for having faith in me. I love you all.

This year is a highly symbolic one for me. I came of age and I manage my own life, deal with my own mistakes. It is a empowering position to be in. After all, don't all kids want to grow up and dictate their own life. But it really isn't that simple. I'm glad I can look anyone in their face and tell them I did my dad proud. I'm glad I can say with conviction that I know what I want to do with my life and I'm glad I can say with tears in my eyes that I am loved, by friends and family.

Thank you for placing your trust in me. Thank you for valuing what I have and am able to give. Thank you for believing that I will not disappoint again.

On LavSuc

2009-09-15T17:38:00.005+08:00

A friend

Thats what you would still be referring to me, right?

Sure. I have known you since a while back

I am a friend right?

Some one you knew right?

Some one close right?

Some one who would look out for you, right?

Yes I was and I would have had.

But I will no more.

Ask yourself.
Reflect a little.
How often have you been a friend?
Don't tell me we have differing views on friendship.
You knew what I was like.
You knew I would give unwavering loyalty until betrayed.
You knew but you didn't bother.
Your ship can no longer harbour here.
There is no more love for you.
Only desolation awaits.
Be warned and stay away.

We had our many talks. We spoke to each other many personal things. I know I tried very hard. To be a friend, to be gracious, to be forgiving. There is only so much that a person can take. Pardon my lack of humility but I think I can swallow more than what most take. You took me and my friendship for granted. Yes I am getting personal because you have hurt me despite knowing for a fact that I am sensitive. All that was said between us, they do seem like bullshit now you know? You clearly do not treat me like a friend. You do not even bother with the little things. You do even care enough to talk to me.

what mattered were the unsaid and undone.
You've missed it, "[it'll be] gone, [it'll be] running water" (X Country 2005 Bryan Tan)

On Amigos

2009-09-04T10:40:00.007+08:00

As friends, we should always be truthful to each other. However ugly things might seem, however brutal the pain might be. Because we are friends.

That is a fact.

I don't like silences. Not when it is unaccounted, unexplained. Because friends always give an answer, a justification and it is accepted w/o question.

Because friends are.

Friendships should be treated severely because it is an interaction between people. It is sincere and it is a connection of the mind, the heart and the soul.

Friendship is sacred.

You know a friend when you blatantly point out their flaws and they say thank you. It is the counter logical reactions we frequently, unintentionally evoke that is a clear mark and distinction of friendship.

Friends defy the normality.

A friend will probably be able to multiply your joy and add the happiness, minus the pain and divide the sorrow

Friends are mathamaticians

In essence, a friend might take many forms in our eyes. Fact is, each friend is unique in their ways, each with their kinks and qwirks. We can all give our own definitions and consituents to what makes a friend, but friends just are.

Mere Mortal Man

2009-09-04T02:42:00.005+08:00

Searching for some stimuli on the web, i chanced upon the origins for the yellow ribbon project. Apparently it was sort of inspired by this song by Tony Orlando & Dawn "Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Ode Oak Tree". Interestingly enough, it is something i can identify with. After all, we're all sinners, tainted and scarred.

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine

If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to doIf you still want meIf you still want me
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak treeIt's been three long years
Do ya still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
Bus driver, please look for me'cause
I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison
And my love, she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's what I need to set me freeI wrote and told her please
Whoa, tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do ya still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus
Forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree
Now the whole damned bus is cheerin'
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons round the old oak tree
I'm comin' home

For an Angel

2009-08-17T00:25:00.006+08:00

Dear Angel,

It was a sat afternoon. The sun was shining brightly and the birds were chirping merrily. I just reached the mall after travelling back from the hostel. Hungry, I decided to grab a bite.

I found myself walking towards the pasta shop. So I grabbed a seat and ordered my regular pasta. Creamy chicken, Upsized. The waiter served the food promptly. The aroma of the dish drifted to my nose. I inhaled deeply and memories flooded me.

Suddenly it occurred to me that the last time I sat in a similar outlet was sometime in february. I was still with the Force, stuck in camp while a friend left me. I couldn't be there for patriotic reasons.

It struck me that the friend would have been where I am now, like all the rest around me. This would have been an experience that the friend would not have known. My mind was full of what-ifs. The questions ran through my head over and over, as I sat there eating my meal in silence, paying my respects in solitude.

It has been a good six months hasn't it?

I am very thankful and appreciative for what I have experienced so far. Life has been good and fair to me. I promise to be the best that I can be and do good in the place of that friend to the best of my capacity.

God bless you.

May you rest in peace.

Thinking

2009-08-06T20:44:00.002+08:00

I am a full blooded man and I desire
Take me and embrace me
While you still can and I the willing
My lover, my abode

- To Ms Huang

We know that we all will die
But despite knowing
I know our love will go on
Tried and tried by the passages of time

- To Snl

Each one of them
Is a painting in a frame
Hung up in the galleries of Heart
Mine and mine alone.

- To Qx

Run and hide we might
But we all smell the same
For we were all born and bred here
All chips off the block

- To My Sister

Just to put things in perspective for myself. I really missed those times; the conversations, the idiocy, the shared food and of course the insults. I like you guys and I wish you all the best. Amigos Para Siempre

290709

2009-07-29T16:05:00.002+08:00

This time that place
Many thoughts few words
End is imminent
Beginning all over

Amidst the madness
Bearing all burden
This time that place
Many thoughts few words

Sons are dead and fathers alive

Him

2009-07-17T11:15:00.001+08:00

In him i would trust.
In him i would give my all.
In him i was brought to being.
In him i would be the good to come.

Under the sea

2009-06-26T22:29:00.004+08:00

Amidst the pondering, some truths might be uncovered. And thus i lay myself in this pool of calamity and welcome the chaos to invade me. Hopefully, i will stand unwavered and untainted. Then with a cleansed soul and vessel, invigorated with blessings from the gods, i will arise once more.

Would you welcome me with open arms?
Would you take me there to the place I've never been before?

Would you, would you?

Catharsis

2009-06-19T10:31:00.002+08:00

Kukup is a lifestyle. It soothes not your body but your soul. The saline smell, the cool breeze and the blazing sun. The cool coconut pudding as and when you want it. The durians that were in season. The seafood that came fresh from the seas. The senseless fun in the room laid with mattresses. The wrestling matches between two people. The sarcastic comments thrown at one another. It was a good three days. I feel better already, thank you. This is a toast to the friendships and passions that we hold. "To another 5 years"

On another note, it's been a while hasn't it. And you're still afraid. I am appalled. By your action and by your thoughts. Maybe i've been so wrong. And I am thankful, i can finally move on. It's been a painful 2 half years, living with the memories. I am over. Thats that.

Well, I have been thinking about the matter and about you. I think i might just be serious this time. I am willing to let go and try. I am not gonna hold back just because you might not be here come end of the year. Keeping faith and taking steps. It's time i walked the talk.

On Excerpts

2009-06-06T23:58:00.004+08:00

I feel like i am the oppressed. I feel like i am the anomaly in this equation. I feel that i am unwanted in the face of you. Why must it be so? We are all of the same roots. Stop making me feel like i am being taken for a ride. Stop treating me like a whore. Don't abuse the love i hold for us all. Don't pretend that we're not in this together. Don't disregard the shared memories. I am here, i am real. Treat me with decency, like a human, like a person. I ask this not as an enemy, not as a foe. But as a friend and a comrade in arms. I come in peace.

And so you asked me for what purpose we existed for. You questioned the fundemental beliefs we held for an ideal state. You lost faith. I tried to tell you what i could tell you. I told you to have faith. We have to be the change we want the world to be. You paused, you thought, you swallowed. Then came six days later, you questioned your values and your worth to the organisation. I answered again. You know the answer. I tried to tell you once again as best i could again. You paused, you thought. You seeked higher powers. You swallowed. Don't lose your way, you have what it takes. Take heart, take heart.

Tis not my battle
Tis not my war
It's for you to strive
Not for me to fight

I must admit I am pleasantly surprised. Just when that bar flickered. It was an anticipation that even i was unconscious abouot. That i was unwilling to admit. It is after all a matter of pride.

On Owning

2009-05-19T01:57:00.004+08:00

The stage fade to black.

The Music slowly rises in the background.

Then the spotlights came on.

Then the climax set in.

Then the laughter from the audience set in.

Then while the heart raced and the mind sped,

It ended as quickly as it started.

The actors exited.

The stage fade to black.

Again.

It was but a fleeting moment. But memorable anyway. Thank you. Despite all the reasons, i do not regret. Despite all the pain, it was worth it. To see the smiles on their faces. To know they are a step closer to that dream. A dream worth dreaming. A toast to our jouney to the next stage.

Train-Ing

2009-04-23T23:56:00.003+08:00

So it is true after all.
Words do fail me.
Not once, not twice.
But time and time again.
And each time it failed me,
It was a stab to his soul.
His worth was reduced,
His existence lessened.

There was only a way out.
There was no other.

Blood

Musings

2009-04-14T16:22:00.000+08:00

"Make theater, not meaning"
-Robert Wilson

Pain

2009-03-26T21:44:00.003+08:00

And just when i thought i was suppose to be Free,

i'm told it just ain't enought. I have to attempt to be Free again.

Meanwhile it's back to Shopping.

Musings amidst the clouds

2009-03-10T23:33:00.003+08:00

From the room
All that was seen
Were lump after lump
Of soft white fluffy balls.

It was truly
A sight to behold
Something this magnificent
Does not appear as we will it.

So embrace it
The Omnipresence said
Take it, live it and breathe it
Make it you and a greater tomorrow arrives.

Rays reflecting
The sea turned golden
As if divine forces gathered
All is embraced with Mother's gaze.

Healing
Gradually
The horde slowly make way
To that promised land of eternal solace

Eyes widening
A pain seared through his chest
He thought
He wondered
His eyes widened once again

The Demon.

Exorcism

2009-03-09T11:15:00.004+08:00

I have nothing to say.

Not to the past, not to history. I just don't know how to face you once again.

Much as i'd love to do the many many things with you. i just can't see that happening. "You are you and i am i."

But can there ever be closure?

2009-02-24T11:04:00.002+08:00

Some things, you just don't know how long it haunts you. It just hides in the midst of the shadows. Quietly waiting, for you to be weak, for you to be least ready, and then it pounces upon you. Hard, fast and furious.

It will ravage your heart mind and soul. It will leave you once it is done. A part of you forever gone. As it falls into a steady slumber, it slowly waits again. Again for you to be weak and least expecting. Then it will pounce, again.

Two years. As if it wasn't long enough. Begone you demon.

Pretty Lady of The Past

2009-02-01T22:23:00.003+08:00

So there you were standing before me. This time more real than before. There you went speaking to us, there you went eyes glazing. I just did not know what to say. All i could do was nod in agreement as to how much i liked what you made. Things of the past are so much more pristine and sacred, especially when we hold it close to our hearts.

2009-01-30T13:21:00.002+08:00

With the festivities going on, there might just be spare cash floating out there that people don't know where to spend it. I'll help you! My wishlish is as follows:

1. A car which i can drive (like i'll ever get it)
2.An external hard drive (chao big space kind)
3. A crumpler bag (Big one too. Afterall, big man big bag)
4. Shades (It's really tough getting shades)
5. A girlfriend (No shannon, u do not throw yourself at me)

Im sure kind souls out there would gladly chip in right? Nyahahaha

Growl

2009-01-22T10:36:00.001+08:00

Misunderstandings occur ever so easily. People should never easily assume. I'm sorry, for having lost my temper at you.

On Termination of Service

2009-01-15T18:52:00.004+08:00

Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
But you have to, because it is time to go.
Nobody said it was joy to be.
Nobody said grief wouldn't come.

All they ever said was that it's time to move on.

On Dying

2008-12-28T13:23:00.002+08:00

i think at any point of time in our lives, should anyone ever ask if we are ready to die, the answer should be a firm yes.

this is because we should have had enough sense to seize the day and live each day to it's fullest. there would be nothing that we wanted but haven't yet tried. We should most probably be satisfied with whatsoever we have. That is living a life.

but sadly, this is far from reality. we never are ready to go. Never. always something still left behind, unfulfilled. this is what makes us human, weak in flesh and temporal in eternity.

i say we go out and be young. embrace what we should. dun give a shit bout too many what ifs. just do it. so long as you dun physically or emotionally make use of or hurt somebody.

so i say go for it matey. be a man and do the right thing.

BJCS indeed

2008-12-28T01:35:00.000+08:00

Dear BJCS,

And so I will be rob you of your 150th entry, but to me it will be much needed. The same said to me applies to you too, love love. (: So do take care too yes?

From your much loved BJCS.

On Canines and Felines

2008-12-27T16:17:00.003+08:00

Someone mentioned today that i dun exactly emote a lot.
Someone from a while back told me im like an enigma that is hard to figure.
Someone asked me last night is it really that hard to tell someone you've got feelings for her.

i told them all the same thing.

I have emotions like any other. It's just that when some part of you dies, emotions becomes a choice. When the situation arises, you actually choose what you want to be. Especially so for anger and sadness. And when you become a person like this, i think it is a tragedy. It would be so much easier to leave things at face value but hell no. It doesn't happen that way. Thats a price you pay when u're given a gift.

It's funny why that girl asked me something like that. It really is. I was contemplating certain things and she ask me such a jarring question. It really puts me in a spot you dweeb. So i told her that it is a tough thing to do cuz a man has to shed all his ego and humble himself in order to tell the girl how he feels. Moreover, if you're put in this dilema while you're still a kid, all the more it is gonna be hard. Dun blame him, it's just how guys are wired. Really.

After having said all that. Now im put in a spot because im forced to face everything. The ball is in my court. Maybe it was done unknowingly but nevertheless. Painful i tell you. And now i go wonder, on living by my principles or trying to be a SNAG

181208 - 221208

2008-12-26T11:00:00.003+08:00

We all need re-fueling time to time. That serves to keep us rooted to what we are and strive to become. Im thankful for meeting you people. Not that you'll ever see this post. But thank you all the same. The camp wasn't that good, it was you guys who made the difference=))

Merry X-mas to everyone! it was a jolly plain affair ah well. This is "Can't Smile Without You" by Barry Manilow and for you guys=> To a very beautiful 181208 - 221208:

You know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

You came along just like a song
And brightened my day
Who would have believed that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away

And now you know I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
I feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find
Well, I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me

And you see I can't smile without you
I can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel glad when you're glad
I feel sad when you're sad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

- X

Peng

2008-12-04T13:08:00.003+08:00

This is interesting. I never knew changing of blogskins would have this much response. Haha. Oh well, the old one was a little too intense for me. Especially when that was a relic from Sept 2005. It is time to move on man.

Shan- you really dint have to rub it in. Especially when you're in camp and she's outside. have more faith in yourself if not anyone else. Grah.

Qx- Come on la bro. Relac ah. I give you kiss. *purses lips* anw, this was the first skin i saw and just whack lo. like the grey tone. Nwahaha

Shell- Changing of my skin is when i really had nothing to do. so yea. though it stayed with me for 3 years already.time to move on. Im good, except for the amazing thailand experience.

Friend, a commonly used word in today's context. But how often do we take a backseat and think for ourselves who are friends and who are fiends? Not that often. We seem to place trust easily upon people and then regret later on when our trust was misplaced. How wretched can humans get? Impossibly if you ask me.

I personally think that a friend will and must always plus the joy, minus the suffering, times the happiness and divide the pain. A friend is a mathematician. One who masters the math of intangibles. That is a friend.

A friend will know when you're down or stuck with a predicament. Even if he or she misses it, they will know it and apologize for it. A friend always cares. Maybe with the erosion of time, the care is less frequent because your lives don't coincide but effort will be made.

I know i fail my own definition at times too. I am sorry for that, friend. I will try. But let us look back and think just for that moment;

How much of a friend are you?

Home

2008-12-02T15:01:00.002+08:00

There really is so much to share and talk about but there is only so little that can ever be divulged. We will always be duty bound to our identities and loyalties. I am sorry.

Thailand was as amazing as it could ever get, expecially when you earn your bread and butter in an economically stronger country. Gives u major spending power over there. So i did managed to buy a little bit of clothes. Heh.

Looking at the books that laid upon the table, he was caught in a dilema. What was he to buy? He could only buy one. How was he to decide? He really did not mind any of the books. It was just how was he ever going to make a choice? It is definitely tough. His passion for tomes has reached a point where it is arbitary. So long as it is a good one, it does not matter the genre, the print or whatsoever. He is definitely in a fix now. He is after all in a time where he can only make one choice.

261008-271008

2008-11-02T21:49:00.005+08:00

There was something about you that made it all so beautiful. Was it the way you unabashedly looked into my eyes, searching for my soul? Or was it the sweet radiant smile you flashed whenever you saw me looking? Maybe it was just the few moments that we shared where the world just didn't seem to matter. But whatever the case, that memory of you is perfect, thank you. It isn't everyday that you find somebody so willing to connect and drop a dedication. I believe you know why I did what I did not do. Maybe years later, if all is still right. This is something we can talk about=)

-Sometimes, i dun even know what i'm writing, so to those loved ones who actually try to fathom the monsters i randomly create. These could just be fictional. I sometimes choose to linger between the grey of dreams and reality. It's a beautiful area where you either find immense hope and strength, or you get confronted by your worst horrors.

-On another note, the witching hour has struck. My creative juices have started to flow a little. Kudos to Kwanie though, thanks for putting things into perspective for me. heh.

2008-10-09T20:03:00.001+08:00

WHOEVER MS J IS...

I KNOW X IS MINE. (:

LOVE YOU TOO MY BEST SHIT. HEH HEH.

Letter to Ms J

2008-10-02T01:29:00.007+08:00

Dear Ms J

You who came from a certain elite all girls school, who went on to a certain elite top school before moving on to the hippiest University in Singapore. You who may not even remember who I was. I offer you my sincerest apologies for God knows what might have gone wrong.

I was a boy then, maybe i still am. But, i was browsing through the old messages we shared back in the month of February, 2005. It brought back a certain sense of innocence, while stirring an inevitable regret too. Because whatever transpired between us somehow ended up with an unexplained death. It should not have ended like that. There was a budding friendship blooming. That much was certain. But somehow something went awry and I don't know what. I thought i did reply. I was waiting, expectantly for you to speak to me. I was sort of looking forward to the possibility of something happening. But it fell flat and I just let it go. I was never the persistent type.

Looking at each message sent and receive, i had this inexplicable urge to try to contact u here and now. I want to know why and put a closure to something of the past. But that isn't possible at all. All i have now, is a name and a particular platform we used to communicate with, and which u cease to exist in. The very last time we spoke was February 28, 2005 5:52AM.

The next time i saw you, it was 2006 and it wasn't on the bus anymore. It was on the stage of an age old chinese school, rich with heritage. Beautiful performance space if you asked me. There i saw you perform. Made me wonder what sort of a person you are, and what life would have been like if we did not lose that only form of communication we shared. But still, i let it slipped. I didn't walk up to you and say "Hi J, I'm Xavier". I was very insecure then, even now I might still be. I suppose the inherent affection i held perpetuated itself into the insecurties i had. I forgot that we are all but human. No one is in a position to judge another. So there i sat, watching you take flight with The Phoenix

Then one or two more years passed, i saw you once again. You met me then, face to face, introduced by a mutual friend. I remember you there in your white top and a thick belt across your waist. You look very fashionable and even pretty for that matter. Something that i told you long ago which you dismiss all the time. I looked at you, from top to toe while the atmosphere of The Scarlet Event drowned all living souls. I recognized you but you who have never seen me except that few pictures, how would you know it was I, standing before you? As these thoughts went through my mind, I thought of speaking to you but the crowd, the people, it just wasn't right and I let it slipped again. There you went, you turned around and continued saying greetings to friends who hang in The Scene. While I drifted off to my solace of drinks, memories and possibilities of what if.

So in a night when i was digging through my own dirty laundry and wondering what sort of person I might just be, I found the memories of you. Maybe I just wasn't good enough to be friends with? But even that I can't bring myself to believe in. From what I heard, you are quite a fabulous person. Maybe I was just a thing, but I'd rather not think like that because I don't think you're like that.

What might have happened if i was bolder? What could have happened if i was more persistent? Only God knows now. He had his reasons for tormenting and rewarding. Things aren't always what they seem.

I am sorry, for not being a man.

Love,
X

nobody comes close

2008-09-21T22:57:00.001+08:00

none of them will ever come close. simply none. beacuse she is perfect and he is oblivious to others. he chases only The Ideal.

So nobody, nobody comes close.

Hunter2

2008-09-09T22:45:00.003+08:00

He sighted wat he sought to hunt. It was a pathetic existence, but yet he wanted that and that alone.

"One shot, One kill" he psyched himself.

Carefully, he raised the crossbow to his eye. Steadying his breath, he his fingers tightened around the trigger. All he needed was the right moment. When all came seemingly still, he held his breath, embraced the serenity and squeezed the trigger. Hard.

"Twang!" the tout string sounded. Bursting through the air, the bolt seared towards the target. In the next instant, blood spurt out of the throat. The being was down, writhing in shock and pain.

Unable to register wat was happening, it struggled as the Hunter approach. Oh how he enjoys it when his prey tinkers on the verge of death. Blood continued to spill out of the wound. How pathetic. How fragile.

Suddenly softening, the Hunter knelt beside his victim and caressed it. Is this all there is to life? As its pain started ebbing away and it begun losing consciousness, he lowered his head and gently kissed its cheek.

2008-09-01T21:43:00.002+08:00

it's time for the hunt again. whenever the Hunter rested, he almost always end up getting outplayed and outwitted. Yea sorry are those who make a clown of him, but really, Sorry aint worth it's weight in gold anymore. It's immemnsely overrated.

Picking up his baby, he headed towards the cavern. Treading the familiar paths, his mind wondered to Mother NAture. the air was moist with summer sweat he thought to himself.

"They've been here" He muttered to himself and stopped dead in his tracks, surveying the ground and traces of activity..........

190808

2008-08-19T14:14:00.003+08:00

i finally got my laptop. thanks to many people who contributed to my "help me get a laptop fund" from the 5cents to the HUNDREDS of dollars, i thank you. It's a beautiful gift filled with love.

Next up is the "help me start a library fund" im gonna be buying books for personal development, so if u've got a lil spare cash and dun mind me having it, *smile* i promise i'll do good to society.

x

sewing

2008-08-12T12:17:00.002+08:00

into the deep recesses of the mind, beams of light and masses of darkness swirled. How can faith be instilled in the faithless? i'll just no longer care. This is when i'd rather laugh with the sinners than to die trying to be a saint.

Good bye, Me.

the next phase is the yester-phase

2008-08-08T14:01:00.003+08:00

Sun is Moon
Day is Night
Love is Hate
Birth is Death
Flying is Falling
Yesterday is Tomorrow
Progression is Regression

this is when He, the Almighty, ceases to be in me.

010808

2008-08-01T10:24:00.004+08:00

it's surprising the only solace i got e whole night came from a P6 kid and KL.

and it's sad to know that all three people that i reached out to were not around, till when all dint matter anymore. it's not their fault. It's Yours.

Stop fucking with my life, whoever is up there. Just fucking stop it.

I aint no toy of yours.

more stitching required

2008-07-30T11:39:00.002+08:00

And to you Jake Ling, thank you. I you too.

Convulsions shook him. Wave after wave, endlessly trying to wear him down. When would it ever end? Why does it have to come when the enemy is within and without? Makes one wonder if there was really justice left. Despite his beliefs that everything that happens happens for a purpose and there're always lessons to draw from it, he is starting to lose faith too. Faith, that what all these Happenings need. But how much faith can one have and can one hold? He is but mere mortal flesh.

N not now, not of all times should this happen. How much more can he take? Even the calm of the dead has failed, leaving only a way out...

All you ever need to do is to take him and tell him you want to know and that you care. He does not need any extras.

again

2008-07-21T21:34:00.003+08:00

When having enough means you give up and allow everything to obliterate your existence.

"War aint about who's right, it's bout who's left"

i think you will break me. that's if you know you have that in you.

"thinking is about putting things into perspective. makes you grow up and see things in greater clarity. it is good to in some point of your life be able to think bout the future and reflect upon the past. so please, think your life through properly.

And for all else that you cant fathom and make out, just have faith and i'm sure things will turn out fine and proper. i promise it will"

calming chaos

2008-07-21T21:34:00.002+08:00

we should hold on dearly to wat we have around us. they dun come by easy. we should never let them slip. we should never do them wrong. cuz these are loyal people who will stay so.

thank you, friends.

but this is a battle i fight myself. if i come out alive, i think i will be a better man than i ever was. i know u will support regardless of the strides and steps. i know i can safely fall into your arms. but right now, it is my personal battle. it is.

and as for my roots, it is sth that never can be washed away. i can only accept. im not ashamed. i just feel the pain. is this what 27 years bought? the doubt of the promise made and the very existence itself.

i'm disappointed and faithless in the institution.

Tho i still believe it must have started right at first, just that something turned sour along the way.

Why?

damnation

2008-07-19T14:35:00.004+08:00

acceptance is the key to everything. cuz w/o, we will always be jammed and entrenched. i'm thankful that u've seem past all of it and decided that moving on is the only solution and that time would wash away all these, eventually.

however, there're some things that despite you knowing the answer, you will never be able to accept and grapple with. but i know i must.

this is when self doubt will cloud your mind and you wonder for what rhyme or reason were you brought to this place. was it a mistake or was it all part of the plans of a higher being?

i don't know, i really don't. all i know is please, break my every wall and mayb i could be free.

screw

2008-07-19T14:35:00.003+08:00

i thought it was. i was so damn wrong.

he screamed to the world at large, to all that stood before him and to those that might just listen. but those screams turned silent. no one heard him. no one could understand what he meant. they saw him, but thats really all there is to it. sad but true.

is there no one that could break his every wall? is there no one that could make him cry? is there no one that could make him feel human again?

why did it have to boil down to this time and again?

back

2008-07-18T17:47:00.001+08:00

Cleansed. Washed away by the caressing hands of nature. Bathed by the tears of Heaven.

i hope the same for you and you and you.

"Good night Good morning mum, today's ticking"

2008-07-16T09:13:00.000+08:00

it'll be off now. on its own personal journey. away from this freak of nature conceived by man and man alone. hopefully, it'll find peace. hopefully.

it won't forget those that're still here. it'll constantly think and worry, ever ready to commit to those who need. but right now, it needs a lil time to try n rebuild its confidence in this messed up and flippant world.

n to u the cute alien from outer space, time is a great thing.

"Good night Good morning mum, today's ticking"

-x

l-o-v-e

2008-07-09T21:11:00.008+08:00

love is about sacrifice. u give up certain things for people willingly because u accept them for who they are and u dun require them to change. but this selfless act, (assuming the r/s is a mutual loving one) will in turn cause the other party to sacrifice something in return out of love and gratitude.Hence this would result in an endless cycle of love where both parties are blissfully happy, both in giving and receiving. However, the intention and motivation of giving is not to expect a return and the other party should never expect to receive first w/o before giving and vice cersa (assuming that they continue the trend marked out above)

so in essence, the art of giving will result in one receiving. then of cuz people would question who's to give first. i think it doesn't matter. let us put societal expectations and personal pride and ego aside and consider: if we can live with less pride, ego and mental stigma/stereotypes, then things would not be unneccessarily complicated and that makes u and i a happier person.

let us embrace life and world with a less complicated mind and heart. Never mind certain defenses we must have to survive in this dog eat dog world, that aside, we can still give and carry out acts w/o asking for return. but as a rule of thumb for the rest of the world, they should never give criticism if they're never gonna do anything bout any problems. they merely kill off the few healers that have been quietly yet labouriously working, healing where they can.

-X

i cant believe that match ended at 63-15 when the sun shone no more. messed up.

Purpose

2008-07-09T21:11:00.007+08:00

ties will bind u always, so will memories stigmatize u. but ultimately, u cannot run and u cannot hide. a messed up act will serve only to remind others of the many messed up shits u did. so yes. thank you for being so messed up, u are the one woman i so love and hate. i wish i could actualize some of those anger and resentment. other times, i just feel concerned about your well being. but no, u take kindness for weakness and rebuttal as being ungrateful.

what manner of being are you? u who messed my life in it's entirety.

for the lil uns, i'll be here for you=)

for stitch from shavia

2008-07-09T21:11:00.005+08:00

as brows burrowed, tears welled up in the eyes. trying to shield herself from his gaze, she attempted to lower her head. hers tears rolled down uncontrollably.

it is not your fault. it isn't that you're inadequate. i think u're good, more than good actually. n you're really worth more than just this. so give yourself better? i'm a phone or just a couple of bus stops away. it's just an island really. do set yourself free from the grasp anger has over u. it's a lane u dun wanna tread cuz there's only regret n meaningless sorrow. be true to what you embody n what you usually are. i think you'll be a true blue blessing n difference to all around you.

this is just another one of those things that goes on to become part of your heritage. age never buys u maturity, experience does. I firmly believe in that. but it's a story i'll tell ya another time. there's so much i had wanted to share, but there was so much that had to be left unshared because the time isn't right. i promise it'll come though.

and lastly for the record. you are what you claimed yourself to be, despite my denial. it's another one of those four lettered words but not filthy though. satisfied?

taking a tissue from her bag, she wiped her tears, cleared her nose and looked up, unsure of how to react. She drew a breathe and tried to smile. the hint of doubt lingered on her face as she put effort into it. whether or not thats the right thing to do, it doesn't matter. she knows what she needs to do. but ultimately, it's up to her, "to be or not to be"

x

crosshair

2008-07-07T14:46:00.001+08:00

One Shot, One Kill

Patience, Peseverance, Precision

i'd like to be like that.

But

2005 to 2008

2008-07-02T17:49:00.002+08:00

You tinkered with my strings of sanity and left me here, worried and boggled. Yes u do have every right to do so, but it's not a pleasant thing knowing that im inevitably sending u to the jaws of the abyss. It could be a road of no return, but well, just wanna left u know that u aint alone. There'll always be hands for u to hold on to, it's just whether u feel them cuz i'm damn sure u aint seeing anything in that semi-abyss of yours.

Sometimes people just shouldn't pronounce the death sentence so easily on anything. Cuz things are deeper than they'll ever seem to the human eye. I'm sorry for making u a sacrificial lamb. It was what i deemed best then, for i was guilt driven and it seemed like the only path to salvation.

Maybe i'm too full of myself. Maybe. But well, to all that was embroiled, i am sorry.

one of many

2008-06-19T08:12:00.002+08:00

in the face of the cold hard turth, there is nothing u can hide. u feel naked and helpless and thats how he felt.

realization of how certain things are unfolding, there is no name to call out for. there is only yourself to clutch on to. He braced for the worst.

knowing how some things should never be left unsaid, he left it all unsaid back then years ago.

people all have their own demons to slay, yet his ultimate adversary had triumphed over and over again.

parallels happen in all places and dimensions, but his ran so close.

the most sinful of words "if only", projected repeated in his head.

being sorry is what we all feel when we've done possibly sth wrong, but it perpetuates him in the face of what transpired.

To Whom It May Concern,

I am sorry. For what possibly i have done or rather have failed to do. For backing off and for saddening you. There're times when i don't know what i want, and this is something that has not changed. You're not the first that I have done something like that to. But you're definitely the first I have apologized to. Somethings should never have been left unsaid, it was a mistake and one I might have paid a high price for.

There're reasons to things in this world and I am who I am today because how i grew up. It was not pleasant, that much i can tell.

And to you my trusted friend, it really is not the end. I'll be here for you. My shoulders and ears are ever ready. So please take good care of ypurself. And i hope she will be taken care of too, put your mind at ease. hide is strong right?

X

2008-06-11T16:35:00.002+08:00

Many a times people rant and rave about how someone have wronged them or did them certain injustice but really, have we really stopped to think how we have in some ways wrong somebody? or even to the extent of doing an injustice to someone? Well, i think it's time people start viewing things from the "self to others" perspective and not the other way round. This would make a world a better place. Hopefully.

To be able to float around is in essence a good thing. But sometimes, it just is not good enough for the other party. I mean, who wouldn't want to keep their options open. But i suppose there will come a time when u'd rather make a choice and leave the options closed. However, when u've come to this decision, u could actually be bogged down by either yourself or the person or even by your past exp. But really, some things must not be left unsaid because no one will know what you are thinking, save for your own soul. So it really would be better for u to come clean or even to share the exp that is holding u back. Prevents shit loads of pain and misunderstanding

THE BUTTERFLY

Flitting, He dances from blossom to blossom
Consuming only the sweetest of existence
For that is His only way of life, and survival.

Tough and ardous was His life journey
To arrive at who He was today
Competed with every ounce of strength He did
Trying His mightiest to finish off the beast
A tree many times of Him.

So it was told upon His grand victory
The being fell into a deep slumber
Wrap Himself up He did
With a blanket no one had ever seen

Days passed as He stayed in slumber
Slowly but surely he metamorphosized
Into the beautiful butterfly we all see.

Such was the life
Tough and ardous
Of a really pretty butterfly

ying

2008-05-08T00:31:00.002+08:00

The old man moved. Finally. Rasing his arms, his shoulders creaked. As he straightened his arms, his elbow gave a loud resounding crack. Wincing, he brought his hands to his head n took off the tall hat that he sported. As he did so, he lowered his head in approval. The youth before him won his respect, such tenderness, such resolute, such strength.

Sadly, she dint get to where she is easy. She traded innocence and mindfo to achieve what she has. To others, that is what they wish to become. But to her, a part died the day she became who she is. She would rather be like the rest, incapable of sight.

She had treaded his path and there is an unspoken understanding that comes to past between them. Hopefully, he would be able to lead her to the right path.

But of course, the cynic in humans would always question, who are we to say what is The right path? And he will answer, the right path is the path which we deem to be most correct based on what made us who we are and what we think is most correct at the point when we make a decision.

o.O

2008-04-20T22:08:00.002+08:00

the soft gentle touch of her hands, the smile that permeated sincerity. How they move the heart. Really, how often is someone's heart moved? Not often, so when it is, don't hesitate. There's got to be a reason for everything. Everything that happened in the past happened in such a way that the future would take place the way it will.

Thank you. Somebody

lollol

2008-04-11T09:54:00.003+08:00

The archer strung his bow. Vile thoughts crowded his mind. Revenge seeped out of his eyes. He knew nothing but one, to strike where it mattered just so that someone felt the hurt.

Drawing an arrow from the quiver, he took aim. Concentrating his anger and hatred upon that single point, he plucked the bowstring. Steadying his arms and stance, he drew a deep breath, held it and fired the arrow.

With a sharp whoosh the arrow seared throught the air and propelled itself towards the unknowing target.

He looked on with vindictive pleasure as the arrow hit home. Blood poured out of the fatal wound. The target gasped for air as he clutched his chest. Where did the arrow came from? Why was it him? As he struggled for both life and answer, the cold and calming hands of Death enveloped him.

A wave of satisfaction overwhelmed him as he started to stir. His work here was done. Time for him to move on. As he packed and got ready to leave, he realised that his bowstring was still quivering.

PpP

2008-03-17T19:28:00.002+08:00

As the breeze passed the leaves, they swayed before coming to a still. The scene was alive, enveloped by a sense of serene and control.

Eyes feasting on the peace that held, thoughts began to wonder. The simple smile, a caring pat was more than words can describe. The satisfaction with each passing job made one feel more honed than ever. But these tempered, with a tinge of humility. That is the crux.

Man without self aware-ness would never accept nor be contented. How then would Man know that numbers are immaterial. It is the law of relative that truly governs us all? When then would Man learn never to judge others by their standards?

Prayer is all that can be done. For the day that Man will know. Till that day, we all search for our own masterpieces.

another day, another thought

2007-12-13T13:33:00.000+08:00

- the tightening of his stomach, the ache in his chest. just what was so wrong with the sight before him? his inability to voice and create certain circumstances rendered him incapable of voicing his innermost thoughts and emotions. for a man sworn to never regret, he was brimming with "what ifs". such is the weakness of mankind.

- what is desired, perceived and actual? is there anyone who is truly capable of compartmentalizing and segment what he thinks and feels of himself? is it humanly possible? especially when it is for a fact that everyone's modus operandi is affected by what lies beyond the "locked door". Sure what lies yonder has immense power. But what lies yonder can also be deceived. So when do we weild it? when do we shun it?

- i suppose there is never the greatest, nor will there ever be the best. There is only Relative.

071207

2007-12-12T20:20:00.000+08:00

for the first time in that two decades of existence, he found out sth that he never knew.

the sheer immensity was mind fucking. how could any sane being be forced to take a stand between his family and siblings. how?

and so he did, and so 23years passed. and so what?

they then see the err of their ways and end up trying to make up for lost time? it was all in her name that he made that decision. he lived by it like a man but becoming less of a man in his journey down that lane. he held steel like faith in his resolution. was it right? was it wrong? it was for all to see but for none to judge.

who are they to pass a sentence? on the greatest hero ever? albeit a very tragic one

the sense of loss when he saw that very sight? the sinking of the heart. the churning of the stomach. he thought he was really a lesser man. but somehow, things were able to straighten out. and he figured he knows what he actually wants already. at least as of now. he knows what makes him tick. more of one than the other.

he is thankful, for the crunching feeling he felt. for it straighten his thoughts.

fan jian de ren lei

2007-11-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

that gaze she threw, it was immobilizing. the wordless screams that seemed to pass from her to him, it tore him from within. all that he ever wanted was for that. why could not she understand? but in her mind, he was always the one who was in the way. out of sheer goodwill, he blasphmied in her eyes. through his blind eyes, he could not see the very loathing that permeated her. wat blind love. wat blind loathe.

help xavier buy a laptop fund=)

2007-11-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

hello hello.

since the festive seasons are coming, and well, i've been thinking of presents for people, it kinda got me thinking as to what i really need. Which is essentially nothing. Except a laptop and well certain intangible things money cant buy. So well, just before any of you get me any presents (if you even plan to heh) then i think it would be good if you direct that expenditure to a bigger and better cause. To help me get a laptop. Essentially speaking, that is a tool that i really need to help me fulfill certain dreams that i have. While at the same time it will be a necessity when i hit university since i don't have a computer. So i feel i might as well start planning long term and direct all my blessings from my family and friends to fulfilling something that is practical and useful. I don't wish to burden my parents with this because i feel i can manage little things like this myself in a better and creative way. so many seasonal greetings to you all. And may you all have a happy holiday.

sHavIA
p.s any volunteery contributions are welcome too=)

_l_

2007-10-10T16:30:00.000+08:00

the lights flashed. the thud of the bass. the booms of the drums. the sounds blended.
swirling in the rhythm of the moment. the sheer volume of entities connecting in mirth. with no route of escape, it stood alone in the face of this immensity. so alluring the present, but it held back. what bout all those promises and commitments? what bout the rest of it that was suffering? they all belong as one. despite being so diversified and widespread.

it has made a decision. it'll submerge in the moment. for it is the present that thrives them, the future that drives them and the past that makes them. it's decided to not give a hoot bout the rest of itself.

but i am.

gaea's gears

2007-09-17T20:44:00.000+08:00

This immovable force of nature,
set in its own pace and space.
Never even once has mankind,
managed to see through its veil.
Gape and gaw is all that
mere beings can do.

Through the ages,
it has fallen,
hero after hero,
matyr after matyr,
and empires,
one after another.

Helpless pawns of this
greater abomination we are.
Puppets to his every call
We serve like none other.

But without it,
We will never comprehend
liberation and freedom.
Through this journey if
We survive,
Then greater beings will
Be born within.

vivo to tm

2007-07-25T22:04:00.001+08:00

"what's 1 + 1?" asked the teacher

"2!" one shouted

"11!" shouted the next

"a window!" quipped another

a simple question. yet so many answers. Though answers come from perspectives, and answers are answers only because we deem them to be answers, He began wondering how he would ever know anything at all. The immensity of the task and on-goings of the world was already crushing even before he embarked on His Quest.

"if only life need not be subjected to perspective"
"if only life was direct in dealings"

"if only..."

the lines ran and rambled. but what good could it ever achieve for Him? He was but flesh and blood.

He was but one of many.

And He still is.

toil toil toil and tumble

2007-06-28T21:09:00.001+08:00

he awoke with a start

the abruptness caused disorientation to surge through his senses. where was he? wasn't he with Them? why was he in this state? how did he end up here? what had happaned?

he had piece this puzzle together and escape from the jaws of entrenchment. he had to conceive a means of conjuring Them all together again. he had to make a choice. but wat choice is there when there are only that few choices? choices are always limited by numbers and types. freedom of choice is but an illusion painted by the manipulative powers above us. so what choice does he have?

but still, he has to make an eventual choice. because it is a necessity. because without that forced choice, he will crumble and fall.

he needs one of Them.

2007-06-12T21:26:00.000+08:00

POP lo!
that's for me anyway. hahas.

for the actual owner,
he has POCed!! so celebrate for him!!

P.S - You love lighting the moon huh. Support me leh. Heh. =D

remains

2007-05-29T21:48:00.000+08:00

the emotions washed away by the tides of fatigue, he sat there, wordless. Not knowing how to feel anymore, not knowing what to do, not knowing what he wants. he is neither confused nor is he upset. it is as though he is in stasis.

he lacks nothing. yet he clearly needs something. a connection of sorts. a spark that triggers. a catalyst that ignites.

so there he remains, unmoved as ever despite all the pushes.

so there he remains, seemingly heartless.

so there he remains.

lxf again

2007-05-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

the wounds, a result of his folly was carefully stitched and cleansed with antiseptic. it was set in due course for full and speedy recovery. He had received the best treatment and medicine available. What could go wrong? But fate always had other plans in mind. That bump that he got. Just a little bump at the wrong spot and it spelt disaster.

the stitches were seemingly ripped apart by an inexplicable force. the wound split open anew and blood gushed out from the bottomless pit. He was soaked in his own tragedy. Where could he go? He did not know. All he could muster was a mere whisper of a whimper.

save me

panthers

2007-04-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

This is the first direct first-person post i have since a long long time man. Ever since then. Oh well, i just wanna like leave a few words for this group of kids that i have kinda gotten close and attached to. They made my days worthwhile. They made me feel passionate bout what i do. And they make me feel full of zest once again.

Ma, Mutou, Aunty, Medium, Small, Big, Ank, Bev, Reb, Carrot, Carrotin, K, SJI, Hocker, Big Nose. You guys are special and winners alr. You have achieved what i daren't expect on day 1. All you need to do is to enjoy your time now. Go there and strut your stuff. Own the arena. Its ok whatever happens alright? The important issue at hand is not whether u win or not. It is the bonds and relationships that were forged through this process that truly matters. It is the enjoyment and contentment derived that counts. Not the victory. Kapish?

*N He laid the white rose before all that before him. The pristine white that couldn't be tainted. The pristine white that can juxtopose with anything. The pristine purity that one can only keep. The one thing in life that once lost will never be around again*

i dun want to be a stumbling block.

2007-04-19T18:04:00.000+08:00

He once said to a little girl that it was futile to hunt for perfection. Instead, He told her to look for a masterpiece. It was a piece of advice he held close to his heart because the many failures He encountered taught Him just that.

So life goes on. Whatever that had happened was put behind him. He still had many other things around him that warranted His time, energy and effort. His devotion to contentment in life has allowed to see the many works of art by great masters and mistresses. He is not a active-seeking buyer of any of the specific artworks. But rather, he feels and measure each work for what it is and assess accordingly. He bids his time while roaming the streets, channels and avenues, like a patient brewer of exquisite concoctions.

He feels The Piece might be near though.

He feels.

Passing of fathers, living of sons

2007-04-19T17:23:00.000+08:00

As they stood before the marble slab before them, watching the swirling wisps of smoke rise from the sticks of offerings, a certain sense of marvel mixed with the sorrow of incapability welled up within him. He saw how his Mirror's gaze oozed respect while the crevices of age were filled with such passionate love He never saw before. But what He saw plucked his heartstrings so bad emotions just welled and gushed. He loved his Mirror, just like His Mirror loved his. He reflected His Mirror, just like His Mirror reflected his. The image of Him is always the same. Different in the tangible ways but almost identical in intangible ones. This fact reveberated through his mind. How is it possible he never saw this nor did he realise this earlier?

So the story behind every reflection before Him might be different. But what stays the same are the values and the aura they emit. What stays the same is the love and respect for those before him. What stays a fact is that he was a collection of experience of the mirrors before him, each physically different but internally the same.

That is the reason why He marvels, yet cry in sorrow. It was beyond Him, and any other being. It was the truth that He and all others can only accept. Just because.

one more time

2007-03-24T15:31:00.000+08:00

he laid on his bed, his mind playing the scene on repeat. Frame by frame, word by word, it unfolded. Only to rewind at hyper speed at the end. Then, it repeats itself.

he laid there, motionless. Vulnerable. The sorrow perpetuating through him. why did it always boil down to this. "i hate them." he muttered, his mind still endlessly looping the scene.

the grief had physically manifested into stings on his body. it had always been the case whenever he is overwhelmed by intense emotions. he intuitively started scratching, harder with each swipe of his hand till it ached. Somehow, that alleviated the need for him to grab a blade n stab himself. Somehow, he cooled down a little bit more. Somehow, the pictures in his head were no longer anything but pictures.

he finally fell asleep, to that sharp yet familiar iron odour.

"respite" he whispered

4/3/05

2007-03-04T19:50:00.000+08:00

1. His eyes could only see the alphabets and numbers on that slip. THEY were but just characters. But what THEY represented in essence is a whole lot more. THEY alone hold the power to make or break a man. But to him, THEY neither broke his spirit nor made his day. He had come a long long way, and finally, he will be represented by THEM. To the world, his worth is equivalent to THEM. But was he really worth the value THEY hold?

In truth, none of that mattered to him. He did what he could and the powers that dictated him were rather pleased. He had cleared a major obstacle. But before he knew it, a greater one loomed before him. The dark tenacious form threatened like none other had before. It was a clear breach of the so-called contract of fairplay. But he had to stay in the Game. There was no way out. This was a game that one cannot stop at will. This was a game that he didn't asked to be a part of. This was a game that left saints sobbing and devils beaming. This was The Game.

2. <<"click clack click" the lock unclasped, and he opened the doors to the so called place that everyone hails as The Haven. But little did he know that it was going to be the worst point of his day. The security and serenity has been disrupted because of internal strife. He thought it would boil over and it would end at THAT. But "hell no" he thought to himself, "the entire vicious cycle is gonna repeat again" >>

3. Ripples formed on the once-still pond. But this time round it didn't subside like the many others before. Each droplet that touches the surface is the wavering of an unwilling party. But it cannot defy the laws that have governed through the ages. Ripples MUST form. It is beyond the control of The water.
*somehow the rippling of the water has a certain hypnotic beauty to it*

28/2/07

2007-02-28T13:28:00.000+08:00

"i'm leaving on a jet plane..."

he sat on his chair and stared into space. his mind recollecting all that has happened since the day he was liberated. the smiles, the tears, the pain, the pleasure. The experience was so diversified that he could not help but remark to himself how life is one big cliche. how the same kind of things occurred to different people. Except of cuz, it happens in different magnitudes. But all in all, it was the same old story.

"don't know when i'll be back again.."

listening to the music by the late john denver, he could not help but feel a sudden pang of pain strike him. the fact that he could so comprehend the emotions and internal struggles of what the persona was singing was almost alarming. But it was a lesson, a life changing one. life does go on despite whatever. And it is with this that he can safely say to himself the one phrase that encapsulates the way he lives life.

"don't know when i'll be back again.."

as he looked at the rain drizzle outside his window, his face gradually brightened up and he managed a smile. a true and sincere smile. yet beneath it, there lied sorrow and confusion. he was torn between what he had been taught and had lived by and what the world seemed to be telling him. he just doesn't know how to manage it. because both ways can't be faulted. simply because it boiled down to choice.

as he collected his senses, he realized the rain had come to a gradual stop.

"an that was a song by the late john denver who died when his own private airplane crashed"

the words of the deejay rang in his head. it was the deafening sort, the sort that will jerk you awake when u're really sleepy. he stood up, unconsciously dropping the ribbons from his hand.

he had made a decision.

"come what may"

17/2/07

2007-02-16T09:13:00.000+08:00

**it all begun with fish&chips, and it ended too with fish&chips. what irony**

his eyes flashed and his mind raced when he saw that cake and the encirclement of bodies.

"holy cow" he thought to himself "that bastard has outdone me this time"

he didn't really know how to react, tears had eluded most of his growing years. As the throng of people opened their mouths to croon the almost ritualistic song, his mind once again wondered to the previous years. This was by far the greatest he had. Not because of the presents but simply because he felt loved and cared for. For a moment he didn't care if he had been shattered by another fragile existence, nor did he pause to remark how unloving his closest kin was. All he felt was that he was unique and special, that he mattered somehow to some people and that he had made a difference.

as he snapped back to reality, he realised that he was trapped by hands and bodies of people he knew as friends. the rest was simply a whirl of action constituted only of struggles and cries. Finally, he just went limp. Accepting what was meted out.

that beacon of light in the urban landscape of concrete and metal.

tempest

2007-02-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

two near car accidents in a span of a week. woah.

and sth happy cuz ppl insist i do it: "Your smile lights up Singapore" wat irony.

*so its coming two weeks already, and the man's no longer weeping. Life goes on as he had learnt. Dwell upon it and he may just jeopordise everything else in his life. He cant afford to. He has too much at stake.He had made many mistakes because he lost it. But he was forgiven. He lives each day now as though its his last, but never for one moment does his heart not belong to her. There may be many ripples on the water surface, but underneath it, there reigns a huge current. Maybe someday the ripples may become waves and waves become tsunamis, but now, there is only the current. And then the man just stares at the distant stars*

- - - - - - - - - -

2007-01-26T02:25:00.000+08:00

the storm is over. and all is calm. but is it lasting? will everything be in control for a long long time to come?

*he laid there in the darkness, reading that text msg that he received. He felt better after telling her everything. But as he read the msg, dread overwhelmed him and his heart died. But would anyone know if a clown was sad? They lead their lives as though they are the happiest people on earth but who would make them happy when they are sad? For no one knows, for no one can see, for no one thinks. He is but a clown*

thumping

2007-01-26T01:17:00.000+08:00

if there is a God.

then bless me for once.

if there aint one,

then pple of the world

pls pray for me this once.

just this once,
pray for me you will?

here we go again

2007-01-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

"you can say anything, just anything, and you can break my ever wall" these words just rang in his head over and over again.

"but did you know your "anything" could easily have healed my every scar?"
he thought to himself.

he always does introspection. No one but himself knows what truly goes on. but even then, he might not know.

simply because his heart has died.

that poor bloke.. seriously. someone should just spare him all these agony.

16jan07

2007-01-17T10:55:00.000+08:00

"i had bought a ticket that'll send me to HCC"

"really?"

"yea.... sorry i couldn't give it to you in person and say what i wanted to say in a more proper setting."

"its alright"

"take care alright?"

"yea, you too"

and the line went out, dead cold. He just stood there for a while, trying to make meaning of what happened. The flurry of events shooting in his head. For a "friend" in need, He just busted something that took so long to happen. For better or worse, He doesn't know. He can merely wait, bid his time and see what comes out of it. How He wish things were easier and clearer but somehow or other, things never were.

**so maybe it was a foolish mistake on his part, to leave and meet a friend. But well...**

now that you do know that you do make a difference. what then? but i'm very sure you dont know that a single word from you can break my every wall and at the same time heal my every wound. Do you? Such is the tragedy or it all. Such is the pain of loving and remaining silent.

As those thoughts materialized in his head, a tear trickled down his cheek. Biting his lips, He endured the heartache and walked into the streets, to meet that friend of his. And as he walked, all these he buried into that little rusted box. Only for himself to know.

loo xiang feng

2007-01-07T20:41:00.000+08:00

i thought i could.

i really really thought i did.

But little did i know, just when i thought all was fine,

you re-appeared.

Just why did that happen? I thought all would be fine. But no, on that bright cheery day when the perpetual gloom was lifted off everyone's shoulder, when everyone was truly bluely happy and having fun in the sun, at the beach. U had to remind me. You had to inject that chasm of hope into my bones.

And now, it just can't be flushed away.
Flushed away like all other things before.

Did you know?

I couldnt bring myself to hate you. And i still cant.
Maybe because you mean so much to me. Maybe because you made me step out and forward like none before had ever done. But whatever you changed in me, in turn marked me for eternity. I am still here, holding on, hanging on, to that fast diminishing chasm of hope.

Perhaps clinging on to it might result in my plunge to the abyss, but i'd rather die clinging on to hope than to forsake it. For hope has driven mankind thus far in history. i'd rather perish holding on.

i am most certain of how i feel this time round.

i love you.

2006-12-13T15:57:00.000+08:00

so what happens when u know u have got the ability to do something?

to be the bastard?

OR

to be the mr nice guy

i have no idea. many a times ppl would hit this scenario. but how often do they actually stop to think? so thats some food for thought. i would give a penny for your thoughts.

**the need is getting dire. the time is drawing short. i need to feed. i need to release. i want it. i crave it. but would i ever get it?

**so i guess u are still a part of me. u still have an effect of me. i bet u dont know that. but if u do. i hope we share the same sentiments.

..l..

2006-12-08T11:22:00.000+08:00

u say u love me more than her.
u say u want only the best for me.
u say u are in control of yourself.

u blabbering liar.

when will u ever grow up? when?

fuck. fuck it all.
i promise i'll leave.
rid u of the misery.

goodbye.

mum.
thanks for everything.

fuck

2006-10-21T18:44:00.000+08:00

i swear sth is wrong

i spilled when i read pt of origin.
i fucking spilled.

not once not twice. but numerous times.
fuck.

wats wrong with me? would u tell me?
cuz you have the answers, like i have for u.

*when everything He ever made met, they all stared in disbelief.
All were so different in form. Yet all were so similar.
He had created them in a certain mould. they shared His pain and turned to Him.
they want to help Him. but can mere products ever heal Him?
He is afterall the lord of His creation.

the past that haunted and scared

2006-10-20T15:51:00.000+08:00

i found

i saw

i know.

thats wat life is all about. to find, to see, and then to know. life is a constant journey to learn bout itself. fallacy? perhaps.

when would u u want to enter my life? wheb would u gladly accept it? when is all i ask. because quantifyers allow man to have a clear target. when.

simplifying matters is a defense mechanism, at least it is to me. u'll grow tired of trying to fix things from the middle ground. i swear. i hope u do understand. but yea, i'll try once more to do as u suggest.

as for the other, it'll be a secret that u'll carry to your grave. i dictate that. because it is sensitive. and i view that as a weakness of mine. yes it might be very hilarious, but well, it has a certain fatalistic dualism about it eh?

anyway, ilove you. and im thankful for your presence. u really saved my day. rargh.

*a child, thats wat it is. a child. its nothing more than that.dont let its facade fool you. it is but a child. a scarred one. a self reflexive one. it is a child. merely stitched together with bits n pieces. a kitch, a rojak, a mishmash. who then would like to own it?

2006-10-15T18:29:00.000+08:00

even death can't do us part.
hahas.
you should know that. even in hell,
i will still bound you to me. -wide grinz-

and wheee is spelt wheee.
hahas.

smile always!
-psst-
认一时，风平浪静。
退一步，海阔天空。

总有美丽的夜晚来临的，
直到那时候，我会与你走下去。 (:

2006-10-14T16:34:00.000+08:00

-the seeds

the fruit of evolution
the epitome of survival
the key to continuity
the symbol of life

though it is great
it is locked
contained within
its physical shell

it is in need for
sun, water and space
externalities
to be what it is

with everything set in gears it shall
with a bang explode, displaying its true
powers for all the world to bear witness
it will be a living miracle that none ever knew.

but this aint possoble
unless it is satisfied
by the very thing it
needs and crave

*i dunno wat to say to u guys. i just know i left behind one of the greatest moments of my life. but i also know that we wont disperse like i fear. cuz ultimately,we all reside in each others heart. my dream now is to start with a bang. in studies, in my passions and in other things. a bang. thats all it takes to kick start life. a bang. thats all it takes for me to enter the real world. a bang.

The rock

2006-09-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

The Rock

Lying openly for all to look,
Susceptible to anything.
In seasons of parching heat,
It prayed for rain to alleviate.
Blessings descended from the Heavens.
The water seeped deep into the lines on its face;
Lines that surfaced from the parch.

Winter came

Water froze in the dark of the night.
Deepening the lines of weakness.
Rain was but an accursed blessing,
Prolonging life just so it could kill for the sport.
In light, water melted.
Filling up the deepened lines once more.
In darkness water solidify and once more weaken the rock.

The seemingly resistant rock is giving way.
Slowly but surely.
By a combination of everything.
Like the breakwater,
It is disintegrating.
Till its nothing but those pieces that people tred on.
Pieces that people kick off the road.
Pieces that are nothing.

Pieces that are waiting to be pieced.

-sHavIA

**but now forever has come and gone, and i'm still here alone**
-it was you

rargh RARGH

2006-09-26T08:07:00.000+08:00

What Art Thou?

Thou art the umbilical,
The perpetual sustainer of life and realm.
All else thrive off you.

Thou art the source,
Providing food, light and warmth.
The crux of the Circle.

Thou art an epitome;
of faith and of hope and of glory and of good things to come.
Invigorating all creation.

Thou art precision,
Rising and setting at daily dawn and nightly dusk.
Tirelessly, uncomplainingly.

Yet thou art a sinner,
The elusive mastermind behind volatile weather.
Seemingly destructive.

Yet thou art relentless,
Raining upon all your searing arrows.
Pain inflicting foe.

Yet thou art the Hunchback.
loathed for your enthusiasism and passionate present of warmth.
Blind beyond reason.

Thou art everything.
Yet in the eyes of everything,
Thou art nothing.

-sHavIA
21/9/06

cant believe i wasted one night of mugging for this. rolls

2006-09-16T10:04:00.000+08:00

The Breakwater

I
Brought to existence for a sole purpose;
To shield, to protect and to defend,
Them tiny specks called sand.

Standing valiantly in the path of crushing waves,
Permitting Them the carefree-ness They crave.
All at his expense.

He is angular, coarse, extensive, sacrificing,
Bearing brunt to Ocean’s clawing clutching.
He gives Them tomorrow.

But do They remember His needs like any other?
God needed rest, what more He;
Their mere mortal Father.

Discernible wrinkles carved deeper by torrents,
Ain’t news that that is foreign.
He is waiting.

II
As the cascading palms of destruction descended,
Cold hard realization dawned Their obtuse sense:
The solitary fort that kept this monster at bay’
Now lay as remains on the sea floor bed.
There He found not what he seek,
But many before, just like Him.
Though forsaken, He had planted,
Immense belief for whom He laboured.

He had waited,
Till He could no more.

-sHavIA
15/9/06

z_z

2006-09-11T18:32:00.000+08:00

well, 1 and 1/3 down -> closer to oblivion then ever, should i ever falter.

zhe yi fen

zhe yi ke

zhe yi miao

wo reng shi zhi bu yi,
hai shi yi yang de zai qi dai, qi pan.

na ju hua, na ge xiao rong, na ge shi fang

wo reng zai deng dai,

sheng pan zhi ri de dao lai

wo reng zai deng dai

rAn2

2006-08-17T12:03:00.000+08:00

i cracked today just before econs. doubt any1 saw it. the glistening or the shuddering or the hung head or the bent back. well, at least they were having fun. sadly speaking, i wished some1 did see. Then it would be sth that would have been shared. but then again, ppl normally do not see. Ppl take so many things for granted.

-like a tyre of a monster truck, no matter how great or strong a person, he or she would fall. didnt u know that? because its burden is far greater than any other vehicle. it has to beat the the friction and the gravel day in day out.

my head's a whirlpool. funny eh? the lesser the days to prelims, the more my thoughts run. Yes indeed i am bothered by the matter and issue. i just dont know anymore. perhaps i should just tuck u away into that little corner in that canister with only one entrance. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.. but then again, shouldnt i solve the problem by putting my orifice to good use.

i distinctly recall u committing yourself in some way. u said sth. but like i said -the words made me, the actions broke me i want to run, i need to run. to where the organ that sustains me can ease from it all. but the ache just gets worse. n well, my problem n predicament has worsened. Thank you. i thought u were different, but maybe im simply wrong. u're just like every single one of them around who dont know a thing or who sth but do nth. perhaps my actions too contradicts my intentions. but it definitely hurts.

even though the underlying cause of all this has got nothing to do with u at all. but u do add on to the burden i carry. its merely me refusing to acknowledge the fact that i should move on in life and not get stuck here at this point of life. i so wish to be surrounded by my multitudes of frens who would bring me up. somehow, i just feel that im falling. yea.. dipping and also very helpless with the tightening of the knot within, anticipating the moment u land with a crack on the bottom of the pit.

i want to be saved, not to have more ppl dropping boulders in the pit to help me smack down faster. i've got so much fat hope in me. we dont live in teletubby land.

i wish: that some1 would call and say they love me, that i mean the world to them and be sincere bout it.
-it'll serve as a good ego boost to this horrid thing that thrives on it. this goddamned soul that shouldnt have been born.

rAn

2006-08-15T20:14:00.000+08:00

thats my state of mind.

i rejected what u offered. but im indulging in it these few days. why? to douse and to lift myself? what're u thinking? i am clueless. i dont want to play this game. i simply want to have things laid and smack.

-words made my day but actions broke me

seriously. just enlighten me. i need to know. im being driven to a corner by so many things. the promise of deliverance could very well also be a gift of malovalence. didnt u know that? there are so many things in life that u dont know. i am more than willing to help and allow u to see them through my eyes and learn under my mentorship. but really, is it all a show? is it all a midsummer night's dream? cuz i am willing to do what i havent done in my life, to grant permission. stop toying me, im breaking.

-slowly but surely, ebbing

the aftermath

2006-08-10T12:16:00.000+08:00

"stubbornly, obstinately pining his years away"

that pathetic man. everyone failed to see his sorrow and pain. his attempts to tell them how much help he needed from the ones he deemed important fell on deaf ears. THEY IGNORED HIM. he is just a pathetic old man. thats what he reckons they think. Help came, but not from anyone he hoped it would come from. Sad. thats what it is. Perhaps he's just a worthless rut that people take for granted. Perhaps, everything was simply an illusion he manufactured for himself; all those pretty pictures. Perhaps things would turn out better.

Perhaps he is just a pathetic old man, hoping, waiting and believing for something that never existed. Perhaps, he should just lie down, close his eyes, and draw a final breath.