I spent time, precious ones I must add, thinking.
Mulling over the sequence of events. Attempting to discern the emotions felt. Trying to figure the significance, if any.
The more I mulled and the more I tried, I found myself getting increasingly confounded.
It then began to dawn upon me how limited I am as a person. Limited in my emotional vocabulary. Limited in life experiences. Limited in perspectives. And most importantly limited by myself and how inept I can be.
For what it was, there is no hate. Instead I dare say there was great sport in its making. What was shared wasn't anything superficial. What was, was the person we were; what we could see was only skin deep. We were too conceited and too full of our being. We are as enriched and powerful as our experiences and lessons make us out to be. We forgot that significance is only worth as much as we attribute value to.
Cliche as it sounds, time can heal all wounds. I believe it possible, but only for those who believe that it can.
I don't hate you. There never was any. You did what you did because you wanted the best for yourself. Because you were selfish. I made that decision because I wanted to try being selfless; because you were worth it. But being selfless is tough and I am just another tinge of insignificance in this grand schema.
Selflessness is something that I can only try to emulate. But I am not it personified. The emotional struggles were tough. Having my closest friend losing sleep and fighting hard to stay awake because of my emotional struggles just wasn't right. He could selflessly do that for me. That which he did was born out of my selfless act for you. It was fundamentally not right. That I belabor those that adore me and shed benevolence to you who would have me anywhere but the highest regard.
This was why I chose to be selfish. This was why I chose to deny you of my friendship and companionship. This was why I chose to relegate you to the depths of my memories, where you stay bittersweet and beautiful; ever perfect.
This way I can to a great degree learn to stand on my own two feet again. This way I can resume being who I was; a beam of support for those around me, offering my best to who who really need and want it.
This way my best friend need not selflessly suffer for my selfish selflessness for you.
Nonetheless you taught me what it meant to love. No it wasn't infatuation. If only it was that simple. Then you would have been just another person. But no this wasn't the case.
When you were around me, you made this big and tall six footer feel like he was walking on trembling ground. A smile or a giggle sets butterflies flitting in his stomach. The merest touch made his heart race, as though the ribs could no longer cage that thumping beast. It was sheer raw attraction that I felt. The more I saw you, the stronger it grew.
Then we started to spend more time together. I lapped up every one of those chances like a hungry and eager dog would. Every time I am with you, the only thing in my head was nothing but desire. Desire for you to be mine. My body ached as I exercised restrain. And then I was judged for being respectful because I loved.
Loving someone isn't that easy. Nor is getting someone's love. But you taught me what it meant to really want to give love a chance. It was intense. It was irrational. It made a rational man want to do the craziest things.
Which is also why this selfish person tried to selflessly let you go. Loving someone sometimes requires you to let them go; to what they truly love or to their next phase of life.
It has been a good while since all these happened. Maybe not so long but nonetheless still long, especially in this accelerated life of ours. All that's passed is past. There is nothing negative, except maybe memories that can only be sweet.
You'll probably never read this because you're not a friend. But this is not for you.
There is nothing more between us and I've long set you behind. Just that sometimes the secret writer in me can't help but think of those days and times when I was younger and idealistic. And as I take a stroll down memory lane, i thought of you and decided that I want to put to words what I was incapable of saying then. Episodes like these are what makes life worth living.
A tinge of everything, a fresh perspective. This is when I say I lived.
Live On. Live Strong.
Silence is beautiful
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Every human will, at some point of time, hold something or someone sacred and close to themselves. This precious thing or person may not be necessarily be something that you possess. More often than not, it is something that we either go through a lot of pains to acquire or it is something beyond our reach.
"I am sorry"
It is true that many a times, all it takes is just an apology in order for everything to turn out fine. Three simple words is all it takes and a world of difference it would make. People would feel better, wounds can heal and everybody moves on in their lives.
But what happens when you are getting increasingly sick of hearing those same words from the same person speaking with the same emotions. Yes, I am saying that one can feel sick and be sick. How does one end up like that? When clearly the same person is making similar "mistakes" or intruding upon you time and again when the person shouldn't be.
And so, whenever the person makes these "mistakes" or intrude upon or trouble you, he or she will apologize time and time again. This is when an apology starts to lose its meaning.
An apology is meant to be sincere and it is born out of regret and sincerity. But what happens here is that there is repeated moments of regret and sincerity when these people apologize time and time again as they repeatedly make you feel upset. Here lies the irony; if they were regretful and sincere about their apologies, why should there be repeated incidences of such apologies? Shouldn't things be kept ot a minimal?
This then leads us to the next question, what exactly is the person thinking? What sort of motivations does that person have? I don't know and I don't dare to answer these questions.
You make me feel like I'm a convenient cover for things. You make me feel like I'm a safety net for you to fall back on. You make me feel miserable during moments like this. I ask not for fairness but for a little bit of conscience and consideration, for my sanity and your sanctuary. I need my distance and space, to build my own life and to heal my own soul. Give us a break.
"Let this be my last answer to your whims; my last gift to you. Goodbye." (Xavier Tong PINK/BLUE/OTHERS, 2009)
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Ever felt like you had this great plan in place and you were going to make it happen and life feels like it is going on with purpose; all within expectation? Then unexpected events happen to foil everything. Well, this happened and you wonder why things happen like that and why must it fall to you to make sacrifices to save the skins of others. You feel angered and frustrated that people can be so socially irresponsible and shirk from their duties. Then you realize that you're probably the only with enough ability to do it and you do it because people counted on it. Painful. Takes a lot out of you. Would you understand?
On another note, you know you have undergone loss when you find yourself crying inexplicably. You find yourself clawing at whatever bits and fragments of attention and care showered upon you, like a baby trying to grab hold of the world with its small small hands. You know it is loss when everything around you, regardless of where you go triggers memory after memory. It doesn't help that these memories are more often than not the sweet savoury ones that you'd like to immortalize. In remembering the good old times, you think of the current reality and pain sets it. Loss is being and feeling helpless. You can't help but remember things when you're in the bathroom and you see song lyrics plastered on the wall. You can't help but remember when every single song that you have in your favourite playlist reminds you of certain things about the person that you just lost. The mind is a very powerful weapon of self manipulation and mutilation. It leads your heart into forbidden territories which does more harm than good. It can shatter the very foundations of your very being. Have you ever felt like that?
But in times of lost, the strength and depth of relationships and friendships are tested. I was fortunate to have friends and family. One sacrificed sleep to make sure I was okay before he left for a workshop and pit his will and faith against his fatigue. Another two made there way over to keep me company just because I did not want to be alone, not today. The person who touched me the most was my sister. When she called me, I just broke down, all defenses and facades. She was fiercely loyal and protective of me. It felt good to know my elder sister has a side like that. In times of loss, this makes one feel comforted and loved. Do you know what it feels like to be so vulnerable and to fall back on so many things?
It has just been one week and I feel like I've been tested so much. Faith and Will, would you take me there? To the distant place I've never been before?
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I answered, "I only had one and I'm glad I haven't been a disappointment."
This is something that I'd say confidently and with pride. I have managed in all sense to do well. Maybe some might think it's not good enough but for me, I am contented. I balanced school work with social commitments and even staying away from home.
I did well academically.
I stayed healthy.
I made new friends and kept old ones.
I might be busy but I have putting in effort for all I participate in.
Having done all these, I'd want to say I did my parents and sister proud. I made sure they did not worry for this big bloke. I know I'm on my way to fully convince them that I am capable of taking care myself and of being independent. It has been a good year.
Highlights of the year
I think I managed to get good number of things done and even got to experience a whole new lot of things. I acted in the Arts House and the Esplanade Theater Studios. At last in a long long time, my academics was not a reason for worry to my family. Over the last year, I experienced how loving a sister I possess. She dotes and splurges on me and I like it, even if she buys me pink shirts and broad shorts. I'm thankful for 2009, for all the ups and downs. I grew and became a better person in ways that I thought I needed improvement.
For the new year
There's so much that I'd want to achieve but there is only so much time. So I've decided that I want the following for the coming year.
1. I don't want to disappoint
2. I want to become even more mature and stable
3. I want to continue making a difference in all I do
4 I want to bring heartfelt smiles to the faces of those close to me
5. I want to stretch myself a bit more again.
Thinking you are capable enough is one thing. Finding out for yourself to see if you are is another. Right now, I want to feel the wind beneath my wings. I want to try to touch the blue blue sky and fluffy cotton clouds.
So here's a toast to 2009 going and 2010 coming.
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On another note, everything that I gave this Christmas is true and real. Despite the rationality and control that I had tried to exert, I succumbed after a barrage of shells pelted my stark nakedness. I really don't regret it at all and I'm thankful I now have enough character to see me through. Through this, there is no loss and only gain. Even if the rationality and control I yielded earlier are going to come and haunt me, faith and character will see me through.
There is no for good or for worse. There is only a life that will go wondering by. I have and will only gain and gain.
Goodnight and sleep tight.
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