wats my purpose in life- thats a question i ask myself everyday. have i lived my day in a way that i want? it seems as tho i haven't all the time.. i really hope for things to happen, but it always goes the other way. i tell people to seek for a purpose in their life or goals to work towards.. but then again.. i am questioning the very way i live my life.. i seem to have lost all purpose and drive.. was this self induced? was this brought about by other factors? im unsure.. i believe it has to do with people around me.. they are all plagued by their problems.. some are working their asses off for pocket money, some are busy mugging their ass for to progress from sec 3 to sec 4 in the IP programme while some are busy entertaining their other halves..

little by little
drop by drop
bit by bit

they seem to distant from me.. during hols when i want to go out for a breather and i try to look for some1, they're all gone.. "KAPOOSH!" before i know it.. i rot at home.. not knowing what to do with my life again..

trivial things like an sms can make me happy the entire day and that has been wats giving me the drive.. but lately.. it has stopped.. its dumb to rely on this to move urself.. but then again.. dun pple rely on it too? a simple one would be enuff right?

i don't know wats wrong with me.
i don't know how to react.
i don't know how to feel.
how are you feeling?
how are you feeling?
its so chilling for me..


sometimes looking at people ard me.. i really feel very jealous.. especially when pple ard me seem to have everything and yet not appreciate it.. that is the most infuriating thing in the world.. it doesnt help that you know you are a better person that him/her but you are subjugated by your circumstances.. dun u feel very small? don't you?

further more.. living with a walking mine at home doesnt help.. there's no way i can talk with that mine.. i don't talk to my dad bout my problems.. my sis is too tired everyday to actually listen to me.. so yea.. i hate my very existence now.. even writing bout all this is painful..

y cant i bring myself to act like some1 i noe does... to not give a hell bout how pple think and vent everything out.. i cant seem to do that at all.. i want to.. sometimes i wish some tom, dick or harry would piss me off so bad i can let everything out..

if there really is a higher being up there, shouldn't you be enlightening me and pple who are troubled? how to not be sorrowful and sad.. where life itself is a miracle and should be treasured? that there's no point in wallowing at all? God, if u are there, you should be doing sth. but because u aren't, im doubting your very existence and might..

p.s. the ending to stairway to heaven is beautiful. the unloved loved so greatly that he is willing to give his life for a woman he knew would never love him. As the for loved, he was weak and could not do that. He felt inferior when he knew the truth.. how's that for you?



kai and shan told me that the job i wanted to do would most likely be given to someone else.. cuz she has the experience b4.. however, something for u two to think about.. i had left things to be sometime this year and wat happened? i was humiliated.. i felt like a lesser man.. thats why im going to ask for things i want to do.. and fight for it if need be.. wats with this sudden aggression on my part? it has always been here but it was surpressed by myself cuz i used to be surrounded by people who are capable.. Now, it aint the case.. im sure i can outdo most of the people in their jobs.. y lie in the mud now when you know you can do better and you want to do better? i had chosen my path.. to join staje and love the theatre.. but it had lost its appeal to me a few mths back.. things set me back again and again and till now.. i am still set back.. huai cai bu yu- thats wat im feeling.. i wanted to be a councillor and fly.. but what happened, i chose to be under the charge of a charismatic woman and i knewwonderful pple.. she left when i began to truly love stAJe. there is no point in regretting now.. its all too late.. i can only make the best of everything now.. do you understand now? y i am so indent on wanting that job? if fate decrees me to not have it, i will still strive for it.. Edmund - the self made man, the one quality that i truly admire as a Man..