/Urban Jungle

Thursday, October 09, 2008

@ 8:03 PM

WHOEVER MS J IS...

I KNOW X IS MINE. (:

LOVE YOU TOO MY BEST SHIT. HEH HEH.

all i need is a simple lift

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Letter to Ms J @ 1:29 AM

Dear Ms J

You who came from a certain elite all girls school, who went on to a certain elite top school before moving on to the hippiest University in Singapore. You who may not even remember who I was. I offer you my sincerest apologies for God knows what might have gone wrong.

I was a boy then, maybe i still am. But, i was browsing through the old messages we shared back in the month of February, 2005. It brought back a certain sense of innocence, while stirring an inevitable regret too. Because whatever transpired between us somehow ended up with an unexplained death. It should not have ended like that. There was a budding friendship blooming. That much was certain. But somehow something went awry and I don't know what. I thought i did reply. I was waiting, expectantly for you to speak to me. I was sort of looking forward to the possibility of something happening. But it fell flat and I just let it go. I was never the persistent type.

Looking at each message sent and receive, i had this inexplicable urge to try to contact u here and now. I want to know why and put a closure to something of the past. But that isn't possible at all. All i have now, is a name and a particular platform we used to communicate with, and which u cease to exist in. The very last time we spoke was February 28, 2005 5:52AM.

The next time i saw you, it was 2006 and it wasn't on the bus anymore. It was on the stage of an age old chinese school, rich with heritage. Beautiful performance space if you asked me. There i saw you perform. Made me wonder what sort of a person you are, and what life would have been like if we did not lose that only form of communication we shared. But still, i let it slipped. I didn't walk up to you and say "Hi J, I'm Xavier". I was very insecure then, even now I might still be. I suppose the inherent affection i held perpetuated itself into the insecurties i had. I forgot that we are all but human. No one is in a position to judge another. So there i sat, watching you take flight with The Phoenix

Then one or two more years passed, i saw you once again. You met me then, face to face, introduced by a mutual friend. I remember you there in your white top and a thick belt across your waist. You look very fashionable and even pretty for that matter. Something that i told you long ago which you dismiss all the time. I looked at you, from top to toe while the atmosphere of The Scarlet Event drowned all living souls. I recognized you but you who have never seen me except that few pictures, how would you know it was I, standing before you? As these thoughts went through my mind, I thought of speaking to you but the crowd, the people, it just wasn't right and I let it slipped again. There you went, you turned around and continued saying greetings to friends who hang in The Scene. While I drifted off to my solace of drinks, memories and possibilities of what if.

So in a night when i was digging through my own dirty laundry and wondering what sort of person I might just be, I found the memories of you. Maybe I just wasn't good enough to be friends with? But even that I can't bring myself to believe in. From what I heard, you are quite a fabulous person. Maybe I was just a thing, but I'd rather not think like that because I don't think you're like that.

What might have happened if i was bolder? What could have happened if i was more persistent? Only God knows now. He had his reasons for tormenting and rewarding. Things aren't always what they seem.

I am sorry, for not being a man.

Love,
X

Labels: my sincerest apologies

all i need is a simple lift