Friday, January 22, 2010
On apologies @ 1:30 PM
"I am sorry"
It is true that many a times, all it takes is just an apology in order for everything to turn out fine. Three simple words is all it takes and a world of difference it would make. People would feel better, wounds can heal and everybody moves on in their lives.
But what happens when you are getting increasingly sick of hearing those same words from the same person speaking with the same emotions. Yes, I am saying that one can feel sick and be sick. How does one end up like that? When clearly the same person is making similar "mistakes" or intruding upon you time and again when the person shouldn't be.
And so, whenever the person makes these "mistakes" or intrude upon or trouble you, he or she will apologize time and time again. This is when an apology starts to lose its meaning.
An apology is meant to be sincere and it is born out of regret and sincerity. But what happens here is that there is repeated moments of regret and sincerity when these people apologize time and time again as they repeatedly make you feel upset. Here lies the irony; if they were regretful and sincere about their apologies, why should there be repeated incidences of such apologies? Shouldn't things be kept ot a minimal?
This then leads us to the next question, what exactly is the person thinking? What sort of motivations does that person have? I don't know and I don't dare to answer these questions.
You make me feel like I'm a convenient cover for things. You make me feel like I'm a safety net for you to fall back on. You make me feel miserable during moments like this. I ask not for fairness but for a little bit of conscience and consideration, for my sanity and your sanctuary. I need my distance and space, to build my own life and to heal my own soul. Give us a break.
"Let this be my last answer to your whims; my last gift to you. Goodbye." (Xavier Tong PINK/BLUE/OTHERS, 2009)
Labels: Implicity and Motivations
all i need is a simple lift
Friday, January 08, 2010
Week 1 @ 9:10 PM
One week in 2010 and it has already been a long week. Anything and everything that could go wrong went wrong. A week dedicated to rest and recreation turned out horrendous.
Ever felt like you had this great plan in place and you were going to make it happen and life feels like it is going on with purpose; all within expectation? Then unexpected events happen to foil everything. Well, this happened and you wonder why things happen like that and why must it fall to you to make sacrifices to save the skins of others. You feel angered and frustrated that people can be so socially irresponsible and shirk from their duties. Then you realize that you're probably the only with enough ability to do it and you do it because people counted on it. Painful. Takes a lot out of you. Would you understand?
On another note, you know you have undergone loss when you find yourself crying inexplicably. You find yourself clawing at whatever bits and fragments of attention and care showered upon you, like a baby trying to grab hold of the world with its small small hands. You know it is loss when everything around you, regardless of where you go triggers memory after memory. It doesn't help that these memories are more often than not the sweet savoury ones that you'd like to immortalize. In remembering the good old times, you think of the current reality and pain sets it. Loss is being and feeling helpless. You can't help but remember things when you're in the bathroom and you see song lyrics plastered on the wall. You can't help but remember when every single song that you have in your favourite playlist reminds you of certain things about the person that you just lost. The mind is a very powerful weapon of self manipulation and mutilation. It leads your heart into forbidden territories which does more harm than good. It can shatter the very foundations of your very being. Have you ever felt like that?
But in times of lost, the strength and depth of relationships and friendships are tested. I was fortunate to have friends and family. One sacrificed sleep to make sure I was okay before he left for a workshop and pit his will and faith against his fatigue. Another two made there way over to keep me company just because I did not want to be alone, not today. The person who touched me the most was my sister. When she called me, I just broke down, all defenses and facades. She was fiercely loyal and protective of me. It felt good to know my elder sister has a side like that. In times of loss, this makes one feel comforted and loved. Do you know what it feels like to be so vulnerable and to fall back on so many things?
It has just been one week and I feel like I've been tested so much. Faith and Will, would you take me there? To the distant place I've never been before?
Ever felt like you had this great plan in place and you were going to make it happen and life feels like it is going on with purpose; all within expectation? Then unexpected events happen to foil everything. Well, this happened and you wonder why things happen like that and why must it fall to you to make sacrifices to save the skins of others. You feel angered and frustrated that people can be so socially irresponsible and shirk from their duties. Then you realize that you're probably the only with enough ability to do it and you do it because people counted on it. Painful. Takes a lot out of you. Would you understand?
On another note, you know you have undergone loss when you find yourself crying inexplicably. You find yourself clawing at whatever bits and fragments of attention and care showered upon you, like a baby trying to grab hold of the world with its small small hands. You know it is loss when everything around you, regardless of where you go triggers memory after memory. It doesn't help that these memories are more often than not the sweet savoury ones that you'd like to immortalize. In remembering the good old times, you think of the current reality and pain sets it. Loss is being and feeling helpless. You can't help but remember things when you're in the bathroom and you see song lyrics plastered on the wall. You can't help but remember when every single song that you have in your favourite playlist reminds you of certain things about the person that you just lost. The mind is a very powerful weapon of self manipulation and mutilation. It leads your heart into forbidden territories which does more harm than good. It can shatter the very foundations of your very being. Have you ever felt like that?
But in times of lost, the strength and depth of relationships and friendships are tested. I was fortunate to have friends and family. One sacrificed sleep to make sure I was okay before he left for a workshop and pit his will and faith against his fatigue. Another two made there way over to keep me company just because I did not want to be alone, not today. The person who touched me the most was my sister. When she called me, I just broke down, all defenses and facades. She was fiercely loyal and protective of me. It felt good to know my elder sister has a side like that. In times of loss, this makes one feel comforted and loved. Do you know what it feels like to be so vulnerable and to fall back on so many things?
It has just been one week and I feel like I've been tested so much. Faith and Will, would you take me there? To the distant place I've never been before?
Labels: On loss and warmth
all i need is a simple lift