I spent time, precious ones I must add, thinking.

Mulling over the sequence of events. Attempting to discern the emotions felt. Trying to figure the significance, if any.

The more I mulled and the more I tried, I found myself getting increasingly confounded.

It then began to dawn upon me how limited I am as a person. Limited in my emotional vocabulary. Limited in life experiences. Limited in perspectives. And most importantly limited by myself and how inept I can be.

For what it was, there is no hate. Instead I dare say there was great sport in its making. What was shared wasn't anything superficial. What was, was the person we were; what we could see was only skin deep. We were too conceited and too full of our being. We are as enriched and powerful as our experiences and lessons make us out to be. We forgot that significance is only worth as much as we attribute value to.

Cliche as it sounds, time can heal all wounds. I believe it possible, but only for those who believe that it can.

I don't hate you. There never was any. You did what you did because you wanted the best for yourself. Because you were selfish. I made that decision because I wanted to try being selfless; because you were worth it. But being selfless is tough and I am just another tinge of insignificance in this grand schema.

Selflessness is something that I can only try to emulate. But I am not it personified. The emotional struggles were tough. Having my closest friend losing sleep and fighting hard to stay awake because of my emotional struggles just wasn't right. He could selflessly do that for me. That which he did was born out of my selfless act for you. It was fundamentally not right. That I belabor those that adore me and shed benevolence to you who would have me anywhere but the highest regard.

This was why I chose to be selfish. This was why I chose to deny you of my friendship and companionship. This was why I chose to relegate you to the depths of my memories, where you stay bittersweet and beautiful; ever perfect.

This way I can to a great degree learn to stand on my own two feet again. This way I can resume being who I was; a beam of support for those around me, offering my best to who who really need and want it.

This way my best friend need not selflessly suffer for my selfish selflessness for you.

Nonetheless you taught me what it meant to love. No it wasn't infatuation. If only it was that simple. Then you would have been just another person. But no this wasn't the case.

When you were around me, you made this big and tall six footer feel like he was walking on trembling ground. A smile or a giggle sets butterflies flitting in his stomach. The merest touch made his heart race, as though the ribs could no longer cage that thumping beast. It was sheer raw attraction that I felt. The more I saw you, the stronger it grew.

Then we started to spend more time together. I lapped up every one of those chances like a hungry and eager dog would. Every time I am with you, the only thing in my head was nothing but desire. Desire for you to be mine. My body ached as I exercised restrain. And then I was judged for being respectful because I loved.

Loving someone isn't that easy. Nor is getting someone's love. But you taught me what it meant to really want to give love a chance. It was intense. It was irrational. It made a rational man want to do the craziest things.

Which is also why this selfish person tried to selflessly let you go. Loving someone sometimes requires you to let them go; to what they truly love or to their next phase of life.

It has been a good while since all these happened. Maybe not so long but nonetheless still long, especially in this accelerated life of ours. All that's passed is past. There is nothing negative, except maybe memories that can only be sweet.

You'll probably never read this because you're not a friend. But this is not for you.

There is nothing more between us and I've long set you behind. Just that sometimes the secret writer in me can't help but think of those days and times when I was younger and idealistic. And as I take a stroll down memory lane, i thought of you and decided that I want to put to words what I was incapable of saying then. Episodes like these are what makes life worth living.

A tinge of everything, a fresh perspective. This is when I say I lived.

Live On. Live Strong.